Flying Monkeys: The People They Send to Do Their Dirty Work

A family member reaches out "just to check in" — but the conversation quickly turns to pointed questions about your decisions. A mutual friend mentions that they've been talking to your ex and seems to be relaying a message. Someone you barely know contacts you expressing concern about things you've allegedly done or said.

You didn't ask for any of these conversations. You didn't know they were coming. And somehow they all seem to be carrying a version of events that isn't yours.

These people are flying monkeys — and understanding their role changes how you respond to them.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys is a term borrowed from The Wizard of Oz — the witch's army of winged creatures sent to do her bidding. In the context of narcissistic abuse, it refers to people who are recruited, consciously or unconsciously, to act on behalf of a high-conflict person: to gather information, apply pressure, deliver messages, or simply extend their influence into spaces they can't reach directly.

The flying monkey often doesn't know they're playing this role. Many genuinely believe they're helping, mediating, or expressing legitimate concern. They've been given a version of events that positioned the narcissist as the wronged party and you as the problem — and they're responding to that version in good faith.

This is what makes the dynamic so difficult. The flying monkey isn't necessarily a bad person. They're someone who has been provided incomplete or distorted information and is acting on it.

How It Gets Set Up

Flying monkeys don't appear spontaneously. They're created through the smear campaign — the process of building a narrative about you in the social network before you've had an opportunity to share your own account.

By the time a flying monkey reaches out to you, they typically have:

A version of your history that frames you as the unstable, unreasonable, or harmful party
Specific incidents (usually your reactions to provocation, stripped of context) offered as evidence
A sense that they're performing an act of care — for the narcissist, for the children, for the relationship — by reaching out

They're not mercenaries. They're people who care about someone who has told them a story. The tragedy is that their goodwill is being used as a tool.

What Flying Monkeys Are Used For

Information gathering. People who are in contact with you — mutual friends, family members, the other parent's relatives — can be used to gather information about your emotional state, your plans, your new relationships, or your legal strategy. The flying monkey may not realize they're functioning as intelligence.

Pressure application. Someone who cares about you expressing concern, disappointment, or worry is more effective pressure than a direct confrontation from the person themselves. If your mother is calling to ask why you're "making things so difficult," that hits differently than the same message from your co-parent.

Message delivery. Sometimes the flying monkey is carrying a specific request or demand that the high-conflict person doesn't want to make directly — because making it directly would create a documentable record, or because they know you'd be less receptive to it from them.

Softening your defenses. An apparently neutral third party expressing hope for reconciliation or de-escalation can soften your position toward the person themselves — which is often the goal.

Recruiting your network. By getting to your people first, the aim is to shift your own support system toward skepticism about you. If your friends and family have heard concerning things, they become less reliable as support.

How to Handle Flying Monkey Conversations

Be warm but boundaried. The flying monkey is usually acting in good faith. They don't deserve hostility. But you're also not obligated to share your account of events with them, justify your decisions, or accept secondhand pressure as legitimate.

Redirect to the source. "I appreciate you reaching out. I think this is really something [name] and I need to work through directly." This is complete. You don't need to say more.

Don't brief them on your side. It's tempting to share your version of events — to correct the record, to explain what actually happened. Resist this. Whatever you tell a flying monkey has a reasonable chance of being relayed back to the person who sent them. Assume anything you say in this conversation will be heard by the other party.

Acknowledge without conceding. "I can hear that you're concerned" is not an agreement that their concern is warranted. You can receive what they're saying without accepting the premise.

Note the conversation. If you're in a custody dispute or legal proceeding, document flying monkey contacts — who reached out, when, what they said. A pattern of third-party outreach following a specific event is relevant information.

When the Flying Monkey Is a Family Member

It gets more complicated when the flying monkey is someone in your own family — a parent, a sibling, someone you can't simply disengage from. In these cases:

Recognize that they've been given incomplete information and have responded to it with care for you, however misdirected. Anger at them is understandable but often misdirected — the problem is what they were told, not that they responded to it.

You can share a limited version of your perspective without going to war: "I know you've heard some things. The situation is complicated and I'm not able to go into all of it, but I'm okay and I'm handling it." This is honest, bounded, and closes the loop without turning your family member into a counter-intelligence asset.

Hold the relationship separately from the situation. Your family member's involvement in this dynamic doesn't have to define your relationship with them — as long as you're clear about what you will and won't share with them while the situation is active.

The Exhaustion of It

One of the less-discussed effects of flying monkey dynamics is sheer exhaustion. Managing a conflict with one person is draining. Managing a conflict that has been distributed across an entire social network — where you never know who has been briefed, who might reach out, or what version of events is currently circulating — is a different order of magnitude.

It's okay to name that. To tell your therapist or a trusted friend that the extended nature of the conflict, the way it keeps appearing in unexpected places, is wearing on you. That's real.

And it's worth noting: flying monkeys, once they have enough direct experience of both parties, often eventually recalibrate. People who know you — who spend real time with you, who see you parent, who watch you navigate difficulty — build their own data. The narrative loses ground to direct experience over time.

You can't control the story. You can control who you are in front of the people who matter.

Receiving contact from third parties that feels coordinated or pressured? Paste the most recent message into the DARVO analyzer and we'll help you understand what's happening.